Remember when you were sitting around the dinner table with your family and you went around and said what your highs and lows were for the week?
Yeah, me neither. As a child, I was sitting in front of the TV watching Laverne and Shirley eating my Swanson’s meatloaf while my mom was working her second job. As a Mom, we were driving to volleyball practice. Welcome to parenthood in the modern age. No hate. We hustle hard, Moms.
Anyhoo. I thought it would be fun to do that with myself this week.
High: I made, and pretty much stuck to, my task calendar this week. I crossed a crap ton of stuff off. Yay, me. “Drink all the coffee” was a particularly well-completed task.
Low: I went to the doctor on Monday morning. Early. Like, ridiculously early. Like, I-didn’t-even-know-this-hour-of-the-day-existed early. My doctor is a super cheery person, and is always put together like she’s about to hit a Junior League luncheon. She’s too lovely inside and out for me to hate, so I just roll with it. She’s used to me by now. So, I show up, wet hair in a messy bun, looking the epitome of frazzled writer or bag lady, or whatever. No makeup (sorry, Mom) but, you know, showered and closer to presentable than, say, the Uni-bomber when they found him in the woods.
I was so organized that I brought a list of all the things that WebMD told me I was dying from. She told me to stop googling my symptoms. Psssh. Like THAT’S going to happen. I mean, Scurvy is still around. So, it could happen. She did tell me that I have high blood pressure. Duh. Election. She also told me I had high cholesterol. I told her to shut up. In my head. Really mean-like. She knew. She patted my hand anyway in that super comforting way she does.
Then I showed her my skin cancer. And do you know what she had the audacity to tell me?
I have BARNACLES OF AGING. It’s a thing. It’s a total thing.
I slapped her. In my head. She handed me a print-out. About barnacles.
Then she hugged me goodbye. I kicked her in the butt as she left. In my head. Off she went to her lovely luncheon, while I, of course, now had images of Pirates of the Caribbean in my head.
Then I left with my print-out and went to Starbucks so I could research support groups. Doesn’t seem to be any, so naturally I must start one. I’ll post the links later.
I don’t think I’ll do that whole high/low thing again. Didn’t seem particularly helpful.