2010 in Review, 2011 in Focus

Last year I shared a rather personal note detailing my joy at leaving 2009 behind, and spending a few moments reflecting on the blessings and challenges we faced as a family. My hope for 2010 was peace and prosperity and in most respects it exceeded my hopes and surprised me in many ways.

The year began with finishing all the paperwork needed to send Kelsea to the college of her choice (and dreams) Trinity University. She applied to one school. One. No backups. This left me gripping the rails, so to speak, as I considered her perfect Reading and Writing SAT scores, and her less than stellar Math score. I think my comment was, “You could have gotten the same score just by showing up with a pencil, Kels.”

Not my finest Mommy Moment.

But she got in, and it was all great. Her financial aid package came through and she ended up with just about a full ride. $42,342 per year. Worth every penny. The next few months were a blur – graduation, formal dances, and the long (long) drawn out goodbyes to the other Seniors – many of whom we’ve claimed as family. It was emotionally grueling, but I savored every experience. Life is short and moves fast. Cliche’ but true.

Smack in the middle of this I made a left-turn in my career, partnering in the venture I’ve mentioned before. With the benefit of hindsight, I feel that it was a great learning experience and validated what I suspected, but wasn’t 100% sure of.

• I like myself, and have a network of true friendships.
• I feel confident in my work.
• My faith is strong, and I enjoy my relationship with God.
• I don’t like office politics – no matter how “unconventional” you might package the office.
• I value my family and they come first.
• Despite my lack of formal degree, I have business acumen and 10 years of successful entrepreneurship under my belt.

The takeaway: I clearly know what I don’t want to be when I grow up, and discovered where my boundaries lie. I worked hard, I sacrificed, but when presented the choice to be a martyr or a scapegoat, I chose scapegoat. I was going to be blamed no matter how it all turned out, so why subject myself to it? Somewhere in the middle of it all I became a pacifist, doing work I knew wasn’t going to matter to the project’s objective. I traded my experience and intuition for someone else’s. I started to second guess all that had gotten me through ten years of owning my own business and I began to censor my thoughts and ideas to the point of extinction. I believed that nothing I did was ever going to be enough – and rather than keep spinning on the carousel trying for the brass ring, instead, I threw up, made the ride stop and got off.

Really. The toughest decision I’ve ever made. But the healthiest, best one for me – and one I couldn’t have made 3 years ago. I would have just kept beating my head trying to please someone wired to never accept what I had to offer.

At the end of the partnership, like any marriage, I grieved. I’ve never been divorced before, so it was a pretty new set of feelings. Loss, sadness and quite a bit of anger, too. I really wanted to go back and get some closure, and make my former partner admit that I worked really hard to make it work, and maybe even salvage what I really loved about the friendship, but I’m learning to live with the term “irreconcilable differences” and to be honest, it sucks. Business is good – great, even, but I’m frustrated that I feel I can’t share that with her, or on my social networks without sounding like I’m either gloating or being a pollyanna. I still feel like I have to second guess my comments, and my interactions with mutual friends. It’s pretty clear who she got custody of, and who I got custody of, and it’s just uncomfortable to hear that she thinks so little of me from the grapevine.

Despite that, I’m excited about 2011. Next week I’m having a surgery to remove some really rude tumors that have taken up residence in my uterus (man, I DO share a lot, don’t I?) but I’m told by every single woman that’s had a hysterectomy that it’s the greatest thing since Wonder Bread. I do run in a much older circle of women friends, so I feel pretty good about the decision. I’m just a little bummed about the timing. It’s the busiest January on record in 10 years of business.

Personally, I’m at the best place I’ve ever been. I still love and adore my husband of 20 years and my stomach still does a little flip when he walks into a room. I’m proud of my college girl – she made straight “A’s” her first semester at Trinity, even with a torn ACL and surgery. I’m equally proud of our Cathryn – juggling volleyball and singing wherever and whenever she can. I love my church, my friends and I have peace with my extended family. I live on a tropical island, near a sparkling beach. I’m in control of my income every month and some months I choose more time off and less money. I have everything I need, and most of the things I want. 2010 reinforced that contentment is my most important possession – and losing that would have been an insult to everything I learned in 2009.