Please Find New Land to Colonize

This guy would have had my vote before our new president-elect.
This guy would have had my vote before our new president-elect.

One of my colleagues is on a cruise right now, after the 2016 Election last night. In case aliens are reading this long after we’re dead from the imminent nuclear winter, let me put a pin in the chronology. At 6pm, the globe was poised to shatter the glass ceiling by electing Hillary Clinton the first woman president of these United States of America.

At 10pm, against every pundit, pollster and reasonable persons good sense, we elected a flaming hot Cheeto named Donald Trump. Literally the least qualified man on the planet. There is no way we could have elected someone – or something – worse. I would have voted for an empty Starbucks cup. A broken vacuum. A used tissue. Anything. Anything else.

I’ll let you do your own research, explorers from Planet 8j6, as to why. It’s well documented. In case you’ve licensed “The Google”, start your search with the keyphrase “grab ’em by the pussy” and see what comes up. I apologize in advance.

This is my new manifesto today. All joking aside, I am in shock, and incredibly sad.

If you’re gay/bi/trans – I stand with you as an ally and against any form of “conversion therapy” – I support your right to love who you love without fear of retribution or judgment. Love trumps fear.

If you’re a person of color, I stand with you as an ally and against mass incarceration and systemic racism. I stand against building a wall, and against shattering families through mass deportation.

If you are disabled or have a pre-existing condition, I stand with you against repealing the law that protects you from discrimination and overbearing cost.

If you are a non-Christian, I stand with you that this country was founded as a safe haven for you to worship (or not) practice (or not) and believe (or not) as you are led. I stand against the fear of humanely accepting those fleeing the brutality of war, which our own countries policies have created and sustained.

If you are a woman, I support your right to choose for yourself and your own body and I reject the notion of being punished for it. I stand with you in support of not being objectified and reduced to a size, standard or gender. I believe in the right of equal pay for equal work.

If you eat, I support your right to know what chemicals are used to produce it and reject them if you choose.

If you drink, may it be clean water.

If you breathe, may it be free and unpolluted air.

If you drive, I hope the company you buy from shows respect of the land and traditions of indigenous people, without overbearing corporate greed.

I respect the office of President and hope that the wishes and hopes of the popular vote will be heard. I respect the electoral college and its outcome.

We are a deeply divided nation. May we all continue to work toward a more peaceful land.

So, my friend on a cruise is happily sailing along. I’ve asked him to find a new land but since the Cheeto now has the nuclear launch codes it’s a sure bet that the whole world is fracked. I’m assuming that you’ve seen our reruns for Battlestar Galactica and you know what that means. Good luck with this desolate and probably uninhabitable world. If you’ve got a time machine you could lend a hand and rewind to 6pm last night. Chances are good you could also rid the world of its newest dictator and most of his minions by zapping the most obnoxious gold plated palace in New York and all Hooters with scheduled watch parties. That’s his demographic.